Today, it's been exactly one month since Daddy passed away.
I have regret that since his health acutely began declining over a year ago, I was so far away from him. I wasn't close enough to fly home frequently for the weekend to be by Daddy's side or to help take more of the burden off of Mummy's shoulders. And though I did speak with my parents frequently and maintained communication with Daddy's physicians, I couldn't help but feel completely and utterly helpless being so far away.
And this feeling was never more apparent than when I received more than one call this past year from a physician who was present while Daddy was receiving CPR.
Sure, I had to make decisions that couldn't be solely focused on family alone since I had to pursue my own dreams and wants as well. But, in hindsight, I could've maybe made those decisions a bit more inclusive than exclusive, found a better compromise.
Daddy once said to me that California was too far away, but when he saw that I wanted to go there, he let it go.
And now he's gone.
I feel varying degrees of guilt, sadness, regret. But I also realize that Daddy (on a much larger scale) left his family to pursue his dreams as well. He made the choices he felt he had to make, and I did as well.
What I've realized, however, is that I have reached the age where the "life-death" cycle has become all too apparent. It's the age where many people choose to start families, but it's also the age where we have to start facing the mortality of our own parents and/or grandparents. And we start reevaluating those things that are most important to us.
I've been down for the past month, but it's time to pick myself up, get focused, determine what's important to me, and work hard to achieve those things I want most.
Because it's taken me much too long to realize the time we have with our loved ones will never be long enough.