The grieving process after losing a loved one is almost impossible to fully understand until you've personally gone through it.
It's interesting to witness people dealing with grief in very divergent ways. And I see this dichotomy when I look at how Mummy and I are dealing with our own grief regarding the loss of Daddy.
Mummy has been grieving tremendously since Daddy passed. She has kept any type of positive reactions to a minimum in respect of Daddy's passing. And she cries on a daily basis. But there are times when life distracts her, and for a few moments here and there, she won't have Daddy constantly on her mind.
But when she thinks about how she DIDN'T think of Daddy, she feels an immense amount of guilt she didn't think of Daddy. When she meets with attorneys about Daddy's estate or with friends and she isn't crying, she worries they may think she is doing fine after Daddy's passing or that she's getting over it, but this obviously is not the case.
Mummy never imagined she would cry this much after losing Daddy, but I'm not surprised one bit - 36+ years of marriage can have that effect. But this is the way Mummy grieves, and I will support her in any way she requires. I try to keep things in perspective for her at times, but with this type of emotion, it's impossible to be objective.
Mummy is the only one who can dictate how she navigates the grieving process, and the same is true for me.
I keep myself busy, and writing distracts me from thinking about Daddy at every moment because otherwise I would drive myself crazy. I use these posts as my daily outlet, and I try to limit discussion of him to primarily my close friends. I go out and try to enjoy myself because I want life to feel somewhat "normal" again. I do not cry on a daily basis, but when I do cry, it can be intense enough to give me a pounding headache. I do feel the occasional moment of guilt when I haven't thought about Daddy, but I quickly dispatch those thoughts - it wouldn't be healthy to think about my sadness every waking moment. I do not concern myself with how others view my grieving process since this process is extremely personal, and they can go to hell if they don't "approve". I received numerous calls after Daddy passed telling me I am now the man of the household, and it's my responsibility to take care of my family now.
I want to be strong for Mummy, my sister, and for whoever else requires additional strength. And this is another way I choose to deal with my grief.
I think all people want to reach a point in their life where they feel content in their current situation. But I am the opposite of content. Any progress I had made previously towards that goal has dissipated.
This past year has just been filled with too much sadness. But hopefully through this "natural" grieving process (honestly, there's nothing natural about it), I'll get to a point where I can once again view life in a net positive light. Until then, life has to be lived, and I have to navigate it no matter how crummy it feels.
And so at this present time, I will continue to vacillate between being strong and painfully weak.